Adopted Children
Adopted children may fear that the adoptive parents may also give them away. So parents must take care never - not even in jest or anger to express regret at having her; or suggest giving her up. If the child in anger threatens to go to her “real” parents, say firmly that you are as real as a parent gets and she’ll have to stay with you till she becomes an adult. It may anger her further, but it’ll also make her feel safe. While it’s true that adoptive parenting is a lot more stressful and challenging, the solution lies in openness. Be candid and encourage your child to freely air her fears and doubts. Answer her questions truthfully. It is only when you hide that the child will think there’s something shameful and abnormal about being adopted. There’ll be difficult phases but continue to be there for the child and respond to his needs. Don’t shy away from professional help. And be assured that love and belongingness aren’t born in a moment and don’t fade away just as easily. The relationship that you share with your child is unique and special to both of you; no one can claim a part of it.
How to tell your child she's adopted
- Don’t make the telling an event; from the beginning discuss the fact of adoption openly in conversations at home. If you treat adoption as natural and normal as giving birth, so will your child; and neither of you will find the need to justify or remind yourselves constantly of it. Stories on adoption or the child’s queries on how babies are born can be launch pads for explaining to children what adoption is and how they were adopted. You can make up an “adoption story” for your 3-year-old – about how you waited for a baby that looked just like her, the family’s reaction when they first saw her, how everyone fought to hold and cuddle her, the gifts she god and so on.
- Older children will want to know who their biological parents are and why they gave them up. Be honest, especially since children can later find out the facts through adoption records. If there’s no information about birth parents, then say so to them, adding that perhaps the parents were not prepared to care of the child and looked for someone who was ready and eager to be a loving parent.
- However it’s best to wait until the child is emotionally secure and matured (about 17-18 years) before revealing painful truths such as the biological mother being a rape victim or a prostitute. Older children may remember their biological parents but not the reason why they were given away, so broach the topic if they themselves don’t and make sure
that they don’t harbor feelings of inadequacy.
- Children will need support to deal with these truths. Allow them to confide in an adult whom they trust and respect – a relative, teacher, friend, or a psychologist if need be. Time and the reassurance that you’re there when ever they need you are the only helps to tide over these hard times.